Prized conversations

Over dinner one night while we were settling down to eat,

Grandma: (obviously wanting and desiring to eat the leftover yusheng from last night) eh? you forgot to take out the veggies ah?
Mum: Oh right! (promptly moves with lightning speed... who would have thought? with her size!)
All of us: nom nom nom
GM: Eh.. i noticed that the abalone very white ah...
Mum: Ya.. it's the good one and it was pretty big before we cut it.
GM: You know... it is unnaturally white... sometimes it could be fake you know..
M: No.. it's not la.. it's only sold at (this certain place) and it was very big. It is abalone. This brand not bad.. not as dark as (this other shitty brand) and taste better.. (for better measure)... it is bigger than others.
GM: oh... but if it is so big, maybe it is because they use clams and mussels and press into a mold into a abalone shape.
Silence... but quickly recovered because we are used to bullshit at the dinner tables.
Me: No. Don't worry.. i was there when it was bought. It is real.
GM: oh i am just saying.. so that's why can sell cheaper.
Me: Oh grandma. it is not fake cos it is more exp than others and hahaha.. i will really like to see one of those that you say.. (i know this line is so fundamentally wrong in every sense but why bother giving logical answers to illogical questions)
GM: oh i am just saying...
Mum: (kicks me under the table)

Oh Grandma, this is not fucking playdoh! where can i buy the mold? aisle 5, shelf 3 at cold storage or kiddy palace?

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One night while on the computer, my mother decide to come in without knocking as usual and asked

"hey, you know... you being so fascinated about beauty products.. ask you ah"
Me: (thinking that she is going to scold me about my purchases, goes on the defensive first) "what? what's wrong with buying them?can only wash with sheep fat and water is it?"
Mum: " no la, ask you ah.. not sure if you know of such a product..."
Me: (feeling a little guilty for being so nasty and thinking that she genuinely needed help) "ah.. ya? which product you talking about? make up? facial pdts? why leh? you finish your olay and need me to buy?"
Mum: " no no... its this cream... i think ... and i think it will work quite well"
Me:" for wrinkles or for dry skin?"
Mum: "hmmm... dry skin? no no..."
Me: "?"
Mum: (genuinely perplexed) ... i mean.. for the thighs.. ah thats right... for the thighs! to make them..."
Me:"Slim? to be more exact make mine slim right? what the hell .. you made me waste 5 mins listen to you talk about my thighs again. i am hibernating soon k? i need all the fats i can get and is it my fault that i store them there?"
Mum: "aiya.. why you so sensitive? but it is true right? like i said you should do some exercises to make them slimmer ma... eat then sit down ... how not to get fat"
Me: " i seriously did not come home early from work to listen to you talk about my fat thighs.."
Mum:"seriously.. you very sensitive leh.. i cannot joke with you ..."
Me: *glares
Mum: *closes the door

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2 more days to the weekend, people!